You have been missing for a long time now,
reaching for air listlessly, making lost noises.
Your eyes have glazed over- pupils shifiting in and out of focus,
a confused camera searching to capture.
Dreams unfurl behind the lens but I can’t see the pictures because
I’m in a wasteland of surreality and you are in utopia
feeding into you from the morphine line,
dialing all the places you didn’t get to go,
dancing through fields to find your real love,
picking out furniture for the flat we just named home,
riding the roof of cross-country trains.
I want you to live there but I wish I was with you,
listening to tear-stained coffee advice with a newly broken heart,
stroking the veins like tributaries that stick out on the back of your hand,
philosophising how the past always leads to the future.
Why can’t I plug into your milky-eyed matrix?
Why can’t I be with you where astral travellers trade
epitaphs and eulogies in greeting, where gravity
leaves you suspended in a muffled bubble,
where you can’t fall because it wakes you up.
Why can’t I follow you through kaleidoscope tunnels,
soar and leave rainbow coloured contrails?
Why can’t you reach out with your paper-thin fingers,
and run them through my hair so I know you’re still there?
Instead I am next to your body in a hospital room,
with the ominous fan cutting through the air and
the too-bright nurses talking South East Asian tones.
Why do I have to defend my inability to believe in a power that decided this?
Why do I have to listen to the old lady miracle choir sing you’ll be okay,
and the prayers and the chanting and the hymns and the rosaries.
Why am I stuck here with sanctimonies to make cherubs fly away?
I have all these questions which can’t drill through your silence.
I am stroking your face but you don’t feel my hand.
Your light flickers off and on, I know I’m alone.
A bridge between rivers is burning in your mind.
Somewhere in the matrix, my voice booms through the clouds.
The birds are startled from the trees.
People look up at the sky, confused.
In your new world does anyone know who I am?