When we first fell in love I had stalker tendencies.
“Wow he gets drunk a lot.”
“He’s obsessed with the invention of lab grown meat?”
“Oh my god she is so much hotter than me.”
I would watch you,
as you slept or cooked me dinner or got undressed to shower.
Every morning through the window when you left,
striding in your tall way up the pavement,
two stairs a time on the overhead bridge,
walking walking walking away until I couldn’t see you anymore.
I would lie back in bed and marvel at how happy I was.
Then I would get to work as soon as I could to talk to you online.
You didn’t feel real,
nothing felt real for a while.
My favourite Aunt told me this:
Always be with someone who loves you more than you love them,
and I was afraid because that wasn’t happening.
I wanted to be around you all the time,
laugh at your jokes that took me a while to grasp,
I wanted to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with you,
I wanted us to lie next to each other dreaming,
and wake up after you so that I could tell you straight away
about the other dimension I had been in while you were gone.
I wanted to be with you.
It was terrifying watching you cross that overhead bridge,
every step you took away from me made the colours I saw a bit dimmer.
I would be waiting for you from the moment you left,
to come back and make everything neon again.
I never knew when you would return but you did,
walking walking walking across that bridge with your powerful walk,
tripping down the stairs to the concrete and me waiting at the window.
Amazed that you wanted to belong to me and be around me just as much,
you wanted me to be happy with you,
you wanted to exchange half of your soul for half of mine.
I told you a while ago about how I watch you from the bedroom window.
Yesterday you told me I was a liar,
you had looked back from the pavement below,
over and over you had looked back,
but you hadn’t seen me watching you.
I replied: I am not a liar,
I just don’t watch you anymore. It’s different now.
When you cross that overhead bridge you haven’t really left me,
I can still feel you there until the instant your unreal skin is under my palm again.